Anicca vata sankhara
Upadavaya dhammino
Uppajitva nirujanti
Tesam vupassamo sukho
("All formations are impermanent.
They arise and pass away.
They cease to be even as they are arising.
Their stilling is happiness.")
-from the Mahaparinibbana Sutta (The Great Discourse on the Final Unbinding/Cessation) and my new daily chant for the year of 2015
The forty fiercely quiet days of the retreat have come and gone and I thought it would be good let you know that I am indeed alive and kicking. Experiences from the retreat are quite fresh and I am still doing a lot of processing, so I won't share in much detail at this point. What I would like to offer is my profound gratitude to all those who have supported this journey, the retreat, as well as my practice and growth--parents, biological siblings, teachers, benefactors, brothers and sisters in the Dhamma, and my incredibly resilient and encouraging partner, Amanda. Any merit that has arisen with this wholesome work (i.e. generating peace in the world through cultivating peace in the heart and mind) is not mine, but ours together, and I watch it spread out among us with a smile on my face.
Regarding the retreat, I can tell you that, on the uncomfortable side, the retreat was largely about coming face-to-face with sadness, fear and, to a lesser extent, aggression and resentment. Interestingly, according to Buddhist psychology, this constellation of mind states actually fits into a single category, the second of the five hinderances: ill will. (The five nivaranas [hinderances] to jhana [meditative absorption] and pannya [wisdom/discernment] are 1. sense desire, 2. ill will, 3. sloth and torpor, 4. restlessness and remorse, and 5. doubt.) Whereas contemporary western psychology sees fear as primary and anger, sadness and other "negative" or uncomfortable emotions as secondary or tertiary phenomena, the Buddha saw things a bit differently, or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that he traced the process back a little further.
According to the Buddha's teachings, fear and sadness are actually "sinking" or passive forms of ill will, while aggression is an active form ill will. In order for fear, sadness and anger to arise with regard to a specific person or phenomenon, there first has to be the perception of separation and a relationship of opposition (ill will and competition). If there is no separation, there is no sadness. If there is no relationship of opposition, there is nothing to fear. The way Sayadaw explained it was this: If you perceive yourself on the losing end of an oppositional relationship, either sadness, fear or both are likely to arise depending on the context. If you see yourself as on equal footing or as likely to be victorious, then you might take a more aggressive stance. This is one of the two reasons why the classical list of the "three roots" (of unwholesome mind states and actions): lobha (greed), dosa (hatred/hostility/ill will) and moha (delusion), does not include fear--fear is considered secondary. The other reason it doesn't show up in this list is that, while greed, hatred and delusion are considered unconditionally unskillful mind states, fear is bifurcated into skillful (e.g. otapa--fear of the consequences of wrong doing, "moral dread," said to be one of the two "guardians of the world") and unskillful (i.e. fear that drives one to behave in unwholesome or immoral ways, or that agitates the mind and blocks samadhi and pannya).
My experiences with fear were multifaceted and complex. Sometimes I stood my ground with relative composure or even made advances...other times I made strategic retreats...and once, on the 27th evening of my retreat, I was slain in battle. Perhaps I will say more on these dynamics another time. I am still working on unraveling the environmental/contextual from the practice-based, the external from the internal, the implications of these interactions with regard to the rest of my life...but there's no rush.
I don't want to send the wrong impression though--the retreat was not limited to uncomfortable physical and mental states. I had experiences of tranquil mindfulness, profound and stable faith/inspiration, and a focused joy beyond anything I had known before. I sat for lengths of time that would have been unthinkable to me in my early practice and gained direct experience into the nature of the mind-body complex and into the Dhamma (in this context I imply both "the teachings" and Reality with the use of Dhamma) that had been simply intellectual accepted notions or quasi-inaccessible mythologies (no, I can't read your mind haha). I had two experienced and supportive guides in Sayadaw Vivekananda and Sayalay Bhadda Manika, and a safe and beautiful place in which to practice. I had the wise voices of past teachers and friends whispering in my mind's ear...they kept me going when things got wound too tight, or became dark and cold (like Lumbini was so much of the time I was there...cold and misty).
The retreat also had a great deal to do with identity, image and the activity of "Selfing" in skillful and unskillful ways. It took me a few weeks to figure out that I was also processing some of the trauma from being hit by the car in August as well. The retreat was about many things...it was holistic in that sense...it was also profoundly humbling. It was, if nothing else, a worthwhile learning experience...but it was much more than that. Things will be clearer when I have had a chance to slow down again and review my meditation journal (which each of us was encouraged to keep throughout the retreat so that we could report our experiences on the cushion or while doing walking practice to our teachers so that we could get new instructions that fit our current practice).
As for my present situation, reentry has been anything but "gentle" since leaving Lumbini, but because the phrase, "gently returning," served me well on retreat, and because I am holding out hope that it will continue to help me navigate the next phase of this trip, I decided to leave it in the title. With ten fewer pounds to this body, no beard between face and the elements (for the first time in four years), and with the sensitivity that comes from getting the mind focused and subtle, I am experiencing perceptions of and strong feelings related to vulnerability as I reenter this samsara ("wayfaring/wandering," i.e. the world of illusion/delusion) that often overwhelm me. I went from trying to simply comprehend the depth and detail of a single foot-step, a single breath in relative silence, to fending off pashmina salesmen, rickshaw drivers and drug dealers the heart of Thamel: a fast-moving, loud and demanding backpacker's ghetto in Kathmandu. I am doing well enough, but sometimes I have to just hold on for dear life and reach out to a familiar voice or put in the earplugs and sit in the hotel for a while.
It is time for me to sign off, but because so much of the difficulty I have been experiencing on this trip is related to health/digestion, food and the energy of the belly generally, I wanted to share an aspect of my practice that is related to these topics, but which has brought me a measure of joy over the last few weeks. It is a new blessing before eating. It is still a work in progress, and I have yet to check in with my regular eating partner about it to get her creative input, but it seems to have settled in more or less as the following:
Here and Now,
May I be grateful for all the goodness and abundance in my life.
May this food be useful fuel and healing medicine along the path of wisdom and compassionate peace.
May the path and the journey be of benefit, not only to myself and those I hold dear, but to all beings.
I acknowledge the sun, the Earth, and the rain; the years of gradual growth; and the many hands of harvest and preparation present in this meal.
May I take only what I need to maintain this body, which is a vehicle for the three training* and other wholesome work, and avoid greed in my consumption.
May I always remember to share with those in need, for I too am a receiver and may one day be in need.
May all beings know compassion, generosity and peace.
(*The three trainings are: 1. sila (moral behavior, ethics, virtue, character)--abstention from unskillful and cultivation of skillful actions of body and speech, acts as the foundation for 2. samadhi (concentration, focus, stillness)--the cultivation of refined and wholesome states of mind, acts as the foundation for 3. pannya (wisdom, discernment)--the purification of the mind and the cultivation of penetrative and liberating insight [vipassana] into reality.)
I'll be heading out of Kathmandu on a long and harrowing bus ride to a small (very small) rural village in the hills of the Dolokha region of Nepal called Mirge, to see my friend Surendra's wedding on the 30th and 31st of January. He and I met 4 years ago when I stayed in Mirge and taught at the Laligurash Bright Future elementary school for two months, and have stayed in touch ever since. I am looking forward to seeing him and the children again. I will follow up when I can.
May you all be healthy and safe, peaceful and at ease. Thank you for taking the time to read along.
